Exerpts from Shadows Book

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Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 2/26/2012, 10:00 am

Please note that this is not that far into the book also note that Selquin is a creature with a Cat's body but with a dragons scales, claws, and...I havent dicided on his head yet....might change what he is later....though he will always be Scaly as Selquin's race is supposedly a distant relative of the Dragon just smaller and without the wings BTW I did JUST NOW type this up in Word....the the first part of the book is on paper and I don't feel like transferring it over yet...welp ima go watch Moretsu Uchuu Kaizoku Episode 8 now cya
“Can someone explain to me what’s going on?” I say. “There’s no time right now Syn we have to get out of here!!” Selquin says. We run out of the house only to be stopped by an explosion in front of use. I put my hand up to my face shielding my eyes, When I look up there is a figure standing before use blocking our path. He looks like a creature that tried to transform into a human and only succeeded half way, with Claws instead of hands and red snake eyes with hair that is completely white. But skin that is dark and scaly it looks like it came straight from a kids nightmare.  It turns to Selquin “It’s been far too long Selquin why don’t we have a little fun, hummm?” “Not today I’m afraid Delfise.” He turns to my father “ do you think you can handle him Ralquo?” My dad looks at the thing Selquin called Delfise and nods his head. “I’ve fought worse in my time.” “Dad what are you doing?” He turns and looks at me with an odd look on his face. “What must be done dear.”, he said something else. But it was soft and I couldn’t hear it. “What-. But I’m cut off as Delfise rushes Selquin; in the blink of an eye my dad is in front of him blocking his path “Your fight is with me today I’m afraid.” “Let’s go Syn, now!” “But—“”Do you want to live or not?” says Salquin. I stare at him and slowly nod “Good lets go wile your dad holds them off!.” As I follow Selquin at a run I look back at my dad wondering if I’ll see him again


Last edited by shadowcrest on 2/29/2016, 1:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 2/26/2012, 6:22 pm

It looks pretty good, but there are few things I would change.
I'd tell you what they are; however, I don't feel comfortable critiquing someone's work.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  DEOHEM on 2/27/2012, 3:50 pm

Feedback! You could do with being more descriptive just to draw people into the scene more. E.g. instead of just 'shielding my eyes', you could put 'shielding my eyes from the ferocious white light that threatened to blind me' or something. Same with dark and scaly, adding how it might be rough or shiny helps readers to imagine what's going on better and fill out the book more, because otherwise you might run out of stuff to write and end up with something pretty short.

I wont bother mentioning grammar/spelling since it's just like a rough version so it doesn't matter too much.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 2/27/2012, 9:59 pm

Thank you Deohem!! at least I can count on you to give me actual feed back "looks pointedly at Zalias"

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  DEOHEM on 2/28/2012, 3:26 am

I can understand him not feeling comfortable. You could say it means he cares more about your feelings. Razz

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 2/28/2012, 10:19 pm

We run though the city's streets and back ally's for what seems like hours,finally coming to a stop at an unadorned rundown and abandoned looking building, Selquin goes in and I follow. "What are we doing here?" I ask, " I thought we where running from the enemy." Selquin looks back at me but says nothing and continues down the weather worn hallway and into a equally run down room. Though there is an alter placed at the far end of the room with an old looking cross behind it on the wall. "That's odd." I say "It didn't LOOK like a Church coming in." Selquin goes up to the alter and pushes it back, I look down expecting to see a stair way underneath like you'ed see in a bad movie or a cheap book, but no there's nothing. "What was the point of that if there isn't anything under the alter?" I ask, Selquin blinks up at me," Things aren't always as they appear". Selquin smiles then walks back to the door we came in forcing me to follow. "Hold on I say, (content deleted for editations I have yet to make.) Slequin turns to me abruptly making me almost tripe over him, " Surly you parents told you...", he pauses the narrows his eyes. " I see so they didn't." "they didn't what?" I say, Selquin lets out a sigh, " Well regardless of there wishes it can't be kept from you now." He shakes his head "wha- I begin, but he cuts me off "You are a Draco,a Dracon a dragoon, a Dragon." He deliberately draws the last name out as if mocking me. "what are you talking about I'm a normal person like anyone else, last time I cheeked I didn't have scaly skin or wings and I definitely don't breath fire." I say, Sequin shakes his head, " did you not listen earlier? Things are not always as they appear, nether are you." I start to say something, but stop as we enter into a Long wide hallway that looked nothing like the hallway we had left behind. It was more richly decorated with Satan carpets lining the floor and paintings hanging from the wall, it was lite by strange looking lights lining the ceiling. I am about to ask were this hall came from when I notice the paintings, there all of Dragons gracefully flying though the sky, all of them varying widely in color and shape. "What IS this?" I ask, Selquin continues to walk, but speaks with a sort of joy to his tone "this is the legacy of your race young one, Intrusted to my kind long ago to keep safe for when the time came again when Dragons where needed."

what do you think?


Last edited by shadowcrest on 2/29/2016, 1:32 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  DEOHEM on 3/2/2012, 1:09 pm

I like it. The part where he says "I see, so they didn't tell you" sounds a bit weird though, if you read it aloud after "surely your parents told you". Maybe just "I see"? Or word it a bit differently so you don't repeat the "tell/told you" part.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 3/3/2012, 3:15 pm

Ok I edited that part

also please keep in mind that this is not going to be just one book, I plan on making it into a series though how many books there will be is unclear.

BTW in case you haven't caught on yet the main character Syn is a girl, though in the future a male dragon will show up, actually many other dragons will be awakened through out this series I have yet to settle on a number of how many though, but I do know that they will be the ones that restart there race, also only some dragons will have the power to shape shift, the reason there all in human form is because when the dragons where dying out (this will be explained by Selquin in the book at some point) the baby dragons where gathered together and a powerful enchantment was cast to make them all to appear as humans and grow at the general rate as a human whilst in human form, once they become dragons again they can not go back to there human self's unless they posses the shape shifting power.....also the enchantment is passed on to the off-springs of the dragons in human forum, as the dragon trait is always dominant, also wile in human form they are not Eternal beings and are subject to aging...once they gain there dragon forms they will become Eternal unless there killed in battle or by disease. Syn is a very powerful dragon and yes she will be able to change shape as she will be the embodiment of all the dragon abilities though I think her dragons form will be the American Version of the dragon

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Guest on 3/5/2012, 4:32 pm

The story's not too bad, from what you posed so far. Keep up the good work.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 3/5/2012, 10:17 pm

Thank you!!!
Update!!
The contents of this has been removed at the sole discretion of the Arther (who obviosly dosn't need to be making a book since he can't spell Aurthur XD)
HELP ME OUT HERE!!!
I am horrible with creating rooms and new places of expensive taste so could someone help with an adequate description?
Please keep in mind that The place they are at right now does not exist on earth, rather it exist in a sort of "between" space nether here nor there and so can not be reached by those who would seek to destroy the dragons It is heavily enchanted to only let those that are friends of dragons or dragons themselves enter. If one trys to get in by force(which is impossible as you half to have the incantation to call forth the hall that leads to it,like wise the moment everyone in the group that is "friendly" steps into the hall it disappears from wherever they were at leaving no trace) but if say someone DOES try to force there way in with a hostage or the like they WILL get in...but they won't ever leave that hall......alive. Also the place undergoes changes as time goes on to better suite the tastes of its current occupants "except for the main hall of course"......wow that is way to long........oh well...Happy reading!! Very Happy


Last edited by shadowcrest on 9/9/2012, 11:23 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 3/8/2012, 2:48 pm

I'll try, but I have a terrible sense of style.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  DEOHEM on 3/8/2012, 3:05 pm

I tried earlier, but I couldn't think of anything.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 3/9/2012, 5:34 pm

I've Got it!!! and so...the book continues...Note: ignore the one before this one ......actually I think I will take it out

Before me is a grand hall, that look as if the decorators couldn't decide, on what century to go with. Then as I step into the room it shifts, changing to taking on a more modern look, before me now is a huge entertainment center in one corner, in another a vast line of computers line the wall, there all very expensive looking and custom made from the looks of them. In the middle of it all is a grand stairwell going up to a second and third floor with hallways branching off into the walls Disappearing from view. "well that's a better look for the place,the mixed century's was starting to get old." I look around for the person that had spoken, "Up here." above me on the second floor is a girl no more then eighteen leaning over the railing at me. "Who are you?" I say. "I'm a Guardian." She says gleefully, and with that she vaults over the railing falling from the second floor landing to the hall bellow laughing with mirth the whole way down.
End Of Chapter One

I have more, but I like to build the suspense Razz

Edited: 9/10/12


Last edited by shadowcrest on 9/9/2012, 11:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 4/12/2012, 7:58 pm

I think your book is interesting.
The only thing I had a problem with is that some sentences sound awkward.
An example of an awkward sentence is, " a vast line of computers line the wall."
Maybe something like, " a vast collection of computers line a wall."

Good job, Shadow. My only complaint is a minor thing.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 4/12/2012, 7:59 pm

ok EDIT: She is not a "care taker" I changed it to her being a "Keeper" as it sounds much better and less....sexist then care taker ........ also that girls over all character would hate being called a care taker so.....in short its a contradiction for her to call herself that......

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 4/12/2012, 8:09 pm

In Star Trek Voyager, there was an advanced alien race called "caretakers."
I always thought it sounded cool, but if you think some people might be offended, you did the right thing.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 4/12/2012, 8:40 pm

Update....I had more but I changed some stuff as I typed and through out most of it so.......

Chapter Two

I look on in horror as she falls, but when she reaches the ground she slows and lands softly on the floor much to my surprise. Selquin on the other hand looks at the girl with annoyance and disapproval "How many times have I told you Lilly?, The wards of this house are for protection and safety not your amusement." Lilly just rolls her eyes, " Oh come on Selquin don't be a joy killer, " She says, " I believe the fraise ," Selquin says, " is "Kill joy" and if it means keeping you from depleting the wards, then yes I am." "See That's what I'm Talking about always raining on everyone's paraid." Selquin Growls at her, then speaks. " Perhaps you would care to jump again then, though the wards are so old a portal just MIGHT open up beneath you by pure chance, sending you who know where. He says sarcastically. Lilly stares at him in mock horror, " a mess up in the portal ward defense that YOU set? you must be getting old to let such a thing happen!" Selquin bares his teeth at her. " lets get back to the main point shale we?" says Selquin " Syn here is one of the seven and needs to be trained and awakened" Lilly stares at me in astonishment. " You finally found one?" she says " I was starting to think you left just to get way from me, and searching for the seven was just an excuse. Selquin bristles at this clearly annoyed, but Lilly ignores this, " yes I will start her training immediately, we need to find out which one she is first." She turns to me excitedly "Lets go, if we stay here much longer Selquin might launch into one of his story's about "the good old days" again." "They WERE the good days." Selquin mutters "Just because-" But where gone before I hear more.


Last edited by shadowcrest on 8/9/2014, 3:16 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 4/12/2012, 10:40 pm

Nicely done, Shadow. This story is becoming more interesting every time you post.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 4/14/2012, 9:42 pm

Update

At the top of the steps I'm lead into what appears to be an old fashioned Dojo, It's vast with ample room to fit five or six helicopters in, and still have room for them to take off. "It's huge." I say breathless. " Well yes, how else do you expect to take off and practice flying?" says Selquin " also you will have to learn to breath fire, which is why everything you see here is fire proofed." I whirl on him "Fly?" I ask wonderingly "I can fly?" "Not yet you cant" says Selquin. "We need to awaken your inner Dragon and find out which of the seven you are." Unless your..." Selquin says under his breath "Unless I'm what?" I say "Never mind." says Selquin. "Now the process for awakening is carried out by A Guardian." "That's me!" says Lilly excitedly. "Yes we know Lilly." Selquin says annoyed. "Now if you wish to keep your clothes, I would suggest removing them before hand" "Wait WHAT!?!" I say " There's no need to get upset," says Selquin. "Only Lilly will be in here during the process, I will be otherwise engaged; there's something I have to look into. says Selquin and with that he rushes out of the room. Lilly turns back to me and shrug's "Guess it can't be helped. "Remove your clothes and stand in that marked out circle." I turn around and sure enough, there is a complex circle on the floor in charcoal with incomprehensible symbols weaved through out. " Is that a magic circle?" I ask. Lilly runs her eyes across it as if double checking it, then nodes. " Yes it is, It was a pain an a half to draw too." I take my clothes off and step in the center of the circle feeling vulnerable without them. " Now what?" " you going to chant a spell or something?" Lilly only laughs at this. " Thankfully no, I won't have to, the circle does all the work." I look down at it uncomprehendingly to find the circle glowing white hot, then I wall of light raises up around me cutting my view off from Lilly. I start to feel dizzy and half to sit down. Sudden and Sharp pain erupts in my limbs, I look down to find my hands and legs slowly changing shape, the last thing I see before I black out is scales starting to form on my body
Edit........ OK nvm fixed it

The update HAS BEEN UPDATED....so ya know...READ IT!!!!!..............

Note to self: humm...I wonder what color her Scales should be........oh I know!! since she is THAT I will make her THAT color because that would be better then making her THAT color....yes ..... what do you think Zalias? Razz Razz Razz

you know ....it dose not escape me that some of the conversations I have with you guys are more inteligent then most of the conversations that I have at my school.....or that I hear.....ya know....at my school


Last edited by shadowcrest on 4/25/2012, 8:40 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : didn't like how I had it)

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  DEOHEM on 4/24/2012, 6:44 pm

But if he'd kept his clothes on, he could have been like the Incredible Hulk!!

This sure is an intelligent conversation.

But no, I liked it, the dialogue seemed to flow well. The pacing is quite good, it kept me interested in reading the whole passage, if that makes sense.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 4/24/2012, 6:57 pm

thank you....and the main character is a girl

I will add the next part soon, but first I will do what I have failed to do with the past few parts of this book....and thats go back and revise what I have so far

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 4/24/2012, 9:56 pm

My headache is finally gone!

Nicely done, Shadow. I don't have any problems with it at all.

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  shadowcrest on 4/28/2012, 6:11 pm

Update (might revise)
Update (I revised it...ish...mostly typoes and such, but there where a few major changes here and there on some parts being to draged out for my tasts .....actualy I still think some parts are still too draged out....might revise more....
OK I have FINNALY finished revising it....so ya ....its safe to read now!!  

I wake up and am immediately assailed by all my senses. Everything around me seems sharper and more vibrant. I turn toward a noise off to the left only to discover its merely an ant crawling along the floor, though how it got there is beyond me. I breath in and get bombarded by the pungent smell of old blood mixed with sweat. I wrinkle my noes, or try to anyways but it feels somehow odd so I stop. Then I relise, my body feels wrong, somehow everything feels new; I feel like... well there is no discription. I look around wondering were I am when suddenly and painfully my memory comes rushing back to me. I look down at my body, and am amazed at what I see. I now white-ish claws instead of nails and bright silvery scales. Cautiously I test them out, wiggling my claws and move each one individualy; then I dicide to test the rest of my body; finding everything working properly I try to get up and am eventually on my feet. I streatch out testing my new limbs capability's, I am just about to jump when some one yells behind me "Stop!" Startled I look around to find Selquin and Lilly behind me, Selquin looks irritated and slightly annoyed (so no change there.) Lilly on the other hand is starring at me mouth agape with a look of mesmerized wonder on her face. "what?" I say "your beautiful" she says breathlessly, I fidget not sure how to respond "uh thanks?" I say "So your color is Brilliant Silver?" says Selquin " "that's highly inconvenient" he says annoyed "well excuse me I didn't know you wanted a pacific color, If you want I can change colors for you" I say, my words practically dripping sarcasm(and mabey a bit of venom). "Sorry I didn't mean it that ways" says Selquin, " I was merely annoyed because Silver is one of the few colors that has no definite element, so until you find out what your powers are you could be ANY of the seven for all I know" "oh" I say "sorry" then Selquin looks at me as realization dawns on his face "what?" I say "do you realize that you have been speaking to directly to our minds this whole time?" he asks " I have?" I say "you have and thats just not possible, you just awakend" he says "it should have taken you days if not weeks to figure out how to do it normally."Selquin says, "Blah blah blah" Lilly interupts, "So Syn can mind talk that's great, can we move on now, this is boring me." Selquin looks at her changing from his usual slightly annoyed face to a fully annoyed face (big change there.) I can see a sharp retort on the tip of Selquins toung, so before he can say anything I cut in," what about flying/" I ask quickly "ah, that won't take long to teach you" Selquin says, I blink " what?" I say incredulous" Selquin sighs "My kind was entrusted with the secrets of your race long ago" he says "We where charged with two tasks, guard the dragons secrets, and also if the need should ever arise to insure the survival of not just the Dragon race but there beliefs and ideals. For that purpose we where granted the ability to transfer information with each other and dragons almost instantaneously, making it possible to teach what would normally take years to learn in a matter of seconds." I blink confused" " I don't get what you just said but ok, what do I do?" I say "I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind of all thoughts" Selquin says, "It will make the transfer go faster, and it will also keep you from getting a splitting headache latter." Selquin says,I take a deep breath and hesitently I close my eyes immediately becoming emerced in a seemingly endless flow of knowledge.

I revised some things and also added to what was already there....meaning I deleted some lines completley and replaced them with better things that came to mind... funny how I write 2 pages for this story and end up throwing it to the side and starting over after typing about a paragraph of it........ I'm not very eco friendly am I? (yes I ment I wrote it in long hand)


Last edited by shadowcrest on 8/9/2014, 3:28 am; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : looked kinda crapy to start with)

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 5/2/2012, 12:31 pm

[This message is a placeholder until I have time to reply. XD]

Notation by Shadow Very Happy

Its fun to note that he never used his reserved space and instead made an entirely new post under this one!! Thus we can conclude that Zalias JUST likes double posting to get his post count above mine. XD

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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

Post  Zalias on 5/7/2012, 7:28 pm

I'm confused as to why it would have taken her weeks to learn how to speak to them. Other than that, it's looking pretty good.
I wonder why DEOHEM didn't comment on this before me...

Yes, you have; and thats just not possible as you have just been awakend" he says "it should have taken you days if not weeks to figure out how to do it, and even then you wouldn't be this profecent at it."
For that purpose we where granted the ability to transfer information with each other and dragons almost instantaneously, making it possible to teach what would normally take years to learn in a matter of seconds."

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But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." ~ Matthew 10:32-33
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Zalias
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Re: Exerpts from Shadows Book

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